I agree that yanking the funding is warranted. When I expressed that thought to my husband, he expressed concern that we would doom her to a lifetime of menial jobs and the lack of education. The unintended consequences of each chess move are incredibly hard!
Devastating how she is treating you but I hope you continue to fund her. I agree with your husband.
My advice- to deal with a situation like this- (busyness and quiet time) have a mission or focus in your life and also have quiet time to receive strength and comfort.
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you, don't go back to sleep." Rumi
Answers will come on how to navigate this situation.
My heart really aches for you, but I do have some thoughts.
To me, the great urgency in this trans fad is to insure that people who do not really have gender dysphoria do not transition. Perhaps because I believe in reincarnation, I do believe that some people -- a very small group -- have such strong dysphoria that transitioning really does help them. (My belief is that some people choose the wrong sex before reincarnating, thus creating a lifelong problem for themselves.) You most likely don't believe in reincarnation, but my point remains: If your daughter felt like a boy from a very early age (which would be an indication of deep-seated dysphoria), perhaps you could support her a little more.
In saying that, however, I'm well aware that being trans is now a huge fad, especially among teenage girls who don't like the changes they see in puberty. The likelihood is that your daughter is part of the fad, which means she will likely become a detransitioner (after she gets tired of torturing her parents).
My guess is that your daughter isn't worried that you will "out" her as a girl to her friends. Rather, the likelihood is that your daughter doesn't want you socializing with her and her friends because she feels embarrassed to be putting on an act as a boy in front of you. Part of her knows that she is being a phony.
Being trans is 50% about acting. Every trans person becomes an actor playing a part. Some trans "men" act business-like and matter-of-fact because that is their idea of being masculine. Some of them act crude. Some of them act intellectual and analytical. Some of them become aggressive and take up boxing or other masculine pursuits. Being trans is mostly a show.
If your daughter is heterosexual and imagines that she will be a homosexual after she fully transitions, she will be sorely disappointed. No gay man will be interested in her fake genitals -- nor will she get any pleasure from them. Indeed, I imagine that the fake genitals they give trans "men" are probably numb -- i.e., have no sensation. Given what I know about human tissue, I can't imagine that an appendage made from fat from the thigh and skin from the forearm could be anything BUT numb.
It sounds like your daughter hasn't started to medicalize herself. I hope she comes to her senses before she does. However, if she started on this fantasy more than five years ago, that would seem to reduce the likelihood that she'll wise up before she does real damage to herself. By that I mean that she has been pursuing this for a very long time. Detransitioners usually come to their senses more quickly than that.
I have to share my bewilderment at the number of girls who are deciding that they are boys. Society accepts tom-boys and women with masculine traits, so you would think she could be the "boy" she wants to be without needing to pretend that she is an actual male.
So true, Perry. I do think she is embarrassed to "act like a boy" in front of us. She basically said as much, although she didn't realize what she was revealing when she said it.
She was not dysphoric until she discovered "ftm" on the internet at 12.5. She had no issues with being female or having a female body and was rather feminine as a child.
I am open to reincarnation, although I don't "believe in it" in that I don't think we know whether or not it happens - nor should we. However, I am skeptical that a choice to live in a certain body would lead to the need to alter that body during a lifetime, as I would think, if we have a choice in which body to inhabit, and which circumstances to encounter, we choose the challenges we need to undertake. In that case, even if the challenge becomes difficult, one should not run from it, but rather should embrace it and learn to accept what the particular body offers - but that's just my philosophic view of things. I can respect yours. Funny enough, I sometimes joke that I must have chosen to have the challenge of a trans-identified daughter, thinking it would be a piece of cake - but I didn't really know what I was getting into. Now I have quite the challenge on my hands.
I too always thought we were moving away from stereotypes, and toward acceptance of gender non-conformity, which would decrease the need for extreme medical interventions to allow someone to live as if they were the opposite sex, yet now we find ourselves with a huge increase in trans-identification. That's why I wrote "A Perfect Storm," to try to explain this bizarre trend.
My daughter took illegal testosterone gel for 98 days at age 16 (another story), until I discovered it. She has not yet otherwise medicalized, but indicates that she plans to as soon as she can - which is heart-breaking.
Your "handle" is so familiar that I'm sure we've exchanged comments before, so I might be repeating myself. I'm not trying to convince you of the reincarnation concept, but just want to explain it a bit more to let you know where I am coming from.
The idea is that an individual can reincarnate too many times as one sex because the individual has fears of being the opposite sex. Usually the fear is of being a female (because of the pain of childbirth, the responsibility that women have to be the main child-rearers, and women's second-class status in every culture, which makes their lives less interesting). But the soul needs to experience both sexes for its spiritual growth. So the individual chooses to be a male one more time, but then, once born, longs to be a female because that is what it needs for its spiritual growth.
What's happening today among girls, however, is different. They are impatient to be adults. They want "agency". They resent their parents for whatever reason. They are envious of the greater freedom that boys seem to have. They have personal problems which they think will be wiped away if they wipe away their sex. In addition, society (and trans activists!) have given them the idea that it is their right as children to choose their gender. So they grab at the one right that their parents can't tell them they don't have, the one area where today's society will back them up.
But of course, you know all this already. I've been trying to figure out whether your daughter might have listened to you more if your reaction to her had been more sympathetic. In other words, if you had shown her that you understood what she was trying to do but wanted to help her to do it in the best way. But that would have been ingenuous because you DIDN'T understand (and neither would I in such a circumstance). Even if you had had a sympathetic reaction, it might not have worked if she was looking for a way to rebel. If you are conservative in most areas, then she would have been suspicious of a sympathetic reaction. If you did manage to convince her that you were sympathetic, she would have started to wonder at some point why you were blocking her desire to take testosterone.
Now she is a legal adult. Is it possible for you to loosen your grasp and let her make her mistakes? If reincarnation is a reality, then she'll eventually leave these mistakes behind her -- although I can see that that is cold comfort for you at this moment.
I haven't read A Perfect Storm Yet, sorry. I came across it not long ago and skimmed through it, but I was tired and didn't have the energy to read it. I remember thinking, however, "Hippiesq is sharp!" I'll read it soon. I'm working on my own article addressed to young people in which I try to convince them to slow down and think twice about what they are doing.
You reminded me we did interact (on-line) before and had a nice discussion about reincarnation, and about what it means to be gay. I hope I didn't sound dismissive about it. I just believe we can't know if there is or is not reincarnation, which is fine, because we have to live this life not knowing what else there might (or might not) be for us.
I do agree with what you said above, except for one thing. I was initially very sympathetic to my daughter's plight. When she first told me she thought she was "really a boy," I was extremely supportive and assured her that her feelings were fine, that I would help her and support her, and that it would all be fine. I went out and bought her the clothes she wanted and got her a haircut, and (stupidly) agreed to get her a binder (although I got a loose one for her tiny body). That was all she asked for at the time. We started to argue a few months later (she was still just 13) when she insisted on starting hormones and having a mastectomy in the near future (at 14). Once I said "Woe - slow down!!!" and started explaining that there are many reasons why someone might feel ill at ease in their body, she stopped caring what I thought and became convinced I was a transphobe and a bigot - even though nothing about me would ever indicate that I have hatred in my heart for transitioned individuals or prejudices of that kind. My two very closest friends are gay, and myself and my two children were the 3 witnesses to the wedding of one of those friends to his partner of many years at City Hall, soon after it became legal. She knows all this, but still insists I am evil - but not really because she asked me to come to read with her in her room, which is where the discussion about college tours took place. Why would you ask an evil person to come sit with you to read?
She must convince herself I am an evil transphobe for one reason and one reason only. She doesn't want her fantasy to fail. That's why she gets so very angry with me for simply disagreeing with her. And, by the way, I'm not stopping her from medicalizing. The reigns are pretty loose. I just will not aid and abet it in any way - because I could never live with myself if I did.
And yes, the idea that she will be fine in the next life is cold comfort in this one.
I look forward to your article (and no need to apologize for not reading my long-winded article!)
I remember having our earlier discussion now, though I don't remember much of what we said. I agree with you in all respects: As much as I believe in reincarnation, I don't pretend to be 100% certain of it, and the concept can be only cold comfort to a person in your situation.
Wow, your daughter is really, really headstrong. Yikes. I suspect the two of you are playing out some karmic issue, although again, that is my point of view and not yours. I wonder why your daughter is so taken by the trans fantasy. One thing is clear: She is a legal adult now, and she can do what she wants. If she has gone this far in forging her own path, it seems doubtful that she will turn back now. Defining herself in opposition to you is important to her, and it could take another decade for her to realize what she is doing.
But I do have one encouraging thing to say: It's possible that this path is the right thing for her. I have read about other young people who waited until 18 to start medicalizing, then did it, and never regretted it (not so far anyway). She may indeed find happiness as a fake man. For you, it all seems bizarre and wrong, which is to be expected. At a certain point, your daughter will figure out that whatever she is, she is not a man. If she really believes that medicine can transform her, she'll eventually be disabused of that idea. Perhaps she'll decide not to have bottom surgery so that she can have children (although the testosterone may make her sterile anyway).
I wish you good luck, and I'll read your other article soon. If I am a part-time anti-trans activist, it is because I am 73 with lots of health problems and I am always tired (non-stop atrial fibrillations have that effect).
If you ever want to talk to me directly, just drop me an email via Substack, which I believe is perryjames@substack.com. There is a LOT of evidence that we survive death, and I'd love to share that with you, as well as being a sounding board for your troubles (but only if you need a friend). I'll continue to read your site, and I'll try to get more articles onto my own site.
This makes me so upset. I know you want her to go to college, and it’s great that she got into all those schools — that’s something to be very proud of. But I just think it’s wrong for her to get away with taking so much, and inflicting such pain. In politics we sometimes have to negotiate with terrorists, but we don’t give away all our power: that’s why we negotiate. I don’t have a clear prescription to offer, just my support and sympathy. And while I’m at it, some absolute rage at the culture that has delivered this no-win clusterfuck to you and so many other parents. I’m halfway through Abigail Shrier’s “Bad Therapy,” which spells it all out with devastating accuracy, and I really want to hurt somebody right now!!
Thanks, Jenny. I have been thinking so much about what society is getting wrong lately, and I think it's totally appropriate to be really angry. I haven't read Shrier's book, but I have listened to her talking about it on YouTube, and I tend to agree with much of what she is saying about pathologizing normal, weakening young people's constitutions with the notion that they are not okay and need interventions, causing iatrogenic harm, etc. I think we have to keep speaking out if this is ever to stop.
As for negotiating with terrorists, yeah, it does feel like that. Our daughter's love and respect for us (at least outward demonstrations of such) is held hostage in exchange for the demands, which include accepting and affirming a delusion, and becoming complicit in chemically and surgically altering our daughter's healthy body. But there is a fatal flaw in the terrorists' demands. The demands will definitely harm our daughter's well-being, which is far more important to us than her superficial affection. Therefore, the terrorists have no power at all. So we don't get the affection, but we are otherwise at a standstill.
"... and I really want to hurt somebody right now!! ..."
🙂 I can more than sympathize. In that context I often think of Anthony and the assassination of Caesar. Cliffs Notes to the rescue:
CN: "When the conspirators have departed, Antony begs pardon of Caesar's dead body for his having been 'meek and gentle with these butchers.' He predicts that 'Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,' will bring civil war and chaos to all of Italy."
Though, en passant, I'd come back here because I'd seen that PITT has recently republished this post of Hippiesq's though I think they need to provide an explicit indication that she's the author of it:
My theory. She doesn’t want her parents around because on some level she knows you know she’s a female. A young woman. She’s playing a role and she knows it. I’m so sad for you and your husband.
Terribly sorry to hear of the grief you and your husband are having to deal with as a result of your daughter's gender "dysphoria". "How sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child" -- hopefully those thanks will come later once she has weathered that "perfect storm" you talked about earlier.
Ran across a post by Bernard Lane on his Gender Clinic News which quoted one "Riittakerttu Kaltiala, the Finnish psychiatrist and researcher who helped initiate Europe’s shift to caution on the treatment of gender-distressed minors": "In her acceptance speech, she highlighted the challenge for adolescents to develop a stable identity."
Puberty is not much of an easy go of it for anyone, but girls have more than a few extra burdens to deal with. Apropos of which, not sure if you follow "Eliza Mondegreen" or not but this post may be of some relevance or interest:
"Some girls really, really want out
On my pet subject: the intricate, obvious relationship between anorexia and gender dysphoria"
Apparently Eliza had to deal with anorexia herself as an adolescent; she links to a London Review of Books essay that elaborates on some of the parallels:
LRB: "Why would women feel so hounded, when feminism is a done deal? Think about it. What are the choices on offer? First, the promise of equality was extended to educated professional women. .... Not every young woman wants to take the world up on this offer. It is possible that there is a certain personality structure which has always been problematical for women, and which is as difficult to live with today as it ever was – a type which is withdrawn, thoughtful, reserved, self-contained and judgmental, naturally more cerebral than emotional. Adolescence is difficult for such people; peer-pressure and hormonal disruption whips them into forced emotion, sends them spinning like that Victorian toy called a whipping-top. Suddenly self-containment becomes difficult. Emotions become labile. ...."
I'd kind of been thinking about that relative to your Perfect Storm post. No doubt you've hit a bunch of the high points, and maybe you've included this one. But I was thinking that society's sexualization of children, young girls in particular, is another one. Have periodically thought that child beauty-queen contests and the murder of JonBenét Ramsey are part and parcel of that process for which society in general has to bear some responsibility.
But no doubt there are many other factors involved which are seriously impacting much of a whole generation. Certainly the case that many cultures over the millennia have sacrificed their children on the altars of one tribal deity or another. But when the upshot is the castration and sterilization of children then one might reasonably see gender ideology as something of a false god at best.
Good luck weathering that "storm" yourselves. Tough times don't last, tough people do. 🙂
I am aware of Rittakerttu Kaltiala, and find her words quite intelligent and compelling. I don't regularly follow Bernard Lane, but have come across him as well. I also follow Eliza Mondegreen, and greatly respect her work. It's a small world of those of us who are questioning the narrative.
I have long believed that my daughter, and so many of these girls, are simply opting out of womanhood. Combine all the pressures and difficulties of becoming a woman in any era, with the sexualization in this era (something I did not touch upon in A Perfect Storm), and the messaging that "trans" is our savior (yes, a false god, and worse, a false religion that pretends not to be one), and here we have it. A whole generation in which every girl who might have taken drugs or become anorexic in a previous era (but at least society wouldn't be pushing it and parents would have a chance to intervene!) now accept the invitation to destroy, or at least hack away at, the aspects of their bodies that make them women.
Your words of encouragement and empathy are greatly appreciated. :)
It's just another "trans" game that they play. It can and will be used against you. It's a Catch 22....so you can't "win"! Her story will be that her parents don't care about her or that her parents won't accept her trans identity if you don't go on the visit with her or if you grant her wish of going off somewhere else. She will also use it to claim that you are controlling and trying to overpower her if you do go along on the parent visit. Either way, if you are paying for this, you have a right to inspect what you are about to "purchase".
I have spoken to mine (age 22) once in the past 2 yrs, only to be told what an awful/horrible parent that I was and that I only cared about her sibling (the Golden child). WOW!....and I was a stay at home mom and got her to all her expensive and time consuming activities.
I'm so sorry, Lisa. I'm sure you love both of your kids very much, and are just being accused of being a bad parent for one obvious reason - you didn't affirm! Everything else is concocted in retrospect.
You are right that they will use anything you do - or don't do - against you. And whether or not we take her on these tours, drop her off for the tours, or whatnot, it won't matter. (And yes, of course we too should see what we are paying for.) There should be a Miranda Rights reading when you become an ROGD parent:
"Anything you say or do can and will be held against you, but you have no right to an attorney, whether or not you can afford it, and you will be convicted of being a "transphobe" and an "awful/horrible parent" no matter what you do."
Funny enough, mine also says I always favored her Golden child brother - because I very rarely yelled at him. She is right that I rarely yelled at him - because he almost never did anything to warrant it!
ALL the stories and talking points being so similar just makes it that much easier to see that this madness is spread via the internet....and it spreads faster than head lice in a kindergarten class! I'm pretty much over it and I don't cry or dwell on it like I used to because life goes on. I have found a way to move forward but I will NEVER get over it. Maybe one day, when her bubble bursts, she will see the light and accept the truth?
Oh, and that "male brain" thing and the fetus being "washed" in testosterone in utero.....I've heard that before from my own AND from the writings of a teacher within our school system who medically transitioned MtF (AGP!). I can't believe that our wealthy school system that is so steeped in STEM, could allow this nonsense, mind-virus to spread through its schools? Just unbelievable!
I'm sure your daughter, like mine, would laugh at anyone claiming that the earth is flat, but yet, somehow they are taken in by this faux-scientific theory. And a teacher in your school system - amazing how otherwise smart people can live in such deep denial!
I don't know if this will help any, but I hope I might be able to shed some light on what your daughter might be thinking, or at least give you some food for thought. My situation is not the same as yours and hers. Period. I've never had any qualms with my gender. But I'm also too old for the social trend to have affected me. I did fall prey to other social contagions of my time, like eating disorders. So I think I may have some things in common with the kids, especially the girls, who fall into this trans thing in adolescence today. This is going to be long and I'm trying to condense a whole lot into as brief a post as possible, so I'm sorry if it doesn't flow perfectly. I hope though that it might be somewhat useful for you even though there are some obvious differences.
I was very much like your daughter in my relationship with my parents as you describe in your post. I was, and still am, deeply uncomfortable around them. Now, this is where our stories might diverge because my parents were unquestionably abusive. But please don't stop reading there, because even if that doesn't apply to you-and I'm not suggesting it does-i suspect the feelings behind this particular behavior might be very much the same. Essentially, I've struggled, and still struggle as an adult, with my Identity. I've never been comfortable socially being myself, always feeling I had to fit in. As a result I've been very very careful about how I presented myself since early adolescence. My parents and I are very different people-we all agree on that. And, frankly, I didn't know how they would act in front of others. They made clear that there were things that seemed vitally important to me at the time-silly social things from my adult perspective now-that they not only didn't care about, but that they weren't going to try to follow to make me more comfortable. I was and am a very sensitive person, and to me that didn't feel like they were refusing to follow immature adolescent social customs (which was probably the truth and was certainly their view). **To me at the time, it felt that they didn't care whether I was comfortable. **Being "cool" felt more important than breathing. I self harmed in secret when I felt embarrassed. I was frequently suicidal over it. (They didn't know this, and when I tried to tell them their initial reaction was anger and I backed off quickly). So, the result was that even though the issue was inconsequential to them, to me it felt that they not only didn't care how awful I felt but that they almost enjoyed making it worse. When they rolled their eyes when I would be near tears over something "uncool" they had done in public, I couldn't see it from their perspective-that I was getting all worked up over nothing. That's my perspective now, too. But I still remember vividly how it felt then: that this was my very life, my whole Identity on the line and they thought it was funny when it went disastrously in my view. **Thus, they couldn't be trusted to have what I felt were my best interests in mind. How could I trust them when what was so deeply important to me was so obviously trivial, even funny, to them?**
So, I did things very much like your daughter, though I wasn't as brave nor as open about it with them as she apparently is with you. Here's the thing that I hope might give you some hope: I think it actually was essential for me to have that room to be "myself" in all the different iterations that took. The bottom line was that I simply was not comfortable acting as I wanted in front of them. And I'm not talking about doing criminal things, or cruel things-things I should have been ashamed to be doing in front of anyone. I'm just talking about trying on different personas and really acting them out.
The problem was, they are controlling people, and on top of that they (understandable to me now) felt quite rejected by my, well, rejection of them. So they insisted on being present for important events. They insisted we maintain some sort of relationship. They wanted to be involved in my life. And here's where it gets kind of messy, because on one hand I think that's important, but on the other hand, perhaps because it always felt forced on me, I do think it slowed down my Identity development even more than it was already slowed. It's why I'm in my 40s and still have no idea who I really am, what I enjoy, and so on. I'm slowly making progress in that area. But that's been possible largely because I've lived hundreds of miles from them for several years now. For me, perhaps because I'm so sensitive to any criticism, or perhaps because I'm so impressionable, or because they really are critical and controlling...I don't know why, but it's been absolutely necessary for me to have a lot of space to develop my Identity.
Here's the other thing: I'm realizing more and more that I will NEVER be comfortable around them and NEVER able to have an adult to adult relationship with them, until I'm reasonably secure in who I am as an adult. For various reasons, it has just not worked for me to be able to become that with them involved; I simply have been far too secretly hurt by their opinions and far too influenced by their input. I simply could not go against them, even when it felt incredibly unnatural and wrong to go with them. So, I have spent most of my life feeling unnatural and wrong. And I have found that the times I've been able to feel most secure have been the times when I've been able to feel like I'm acting naturally.
Now, that's not to say that I was always right about what really was "right" or natural for me. But I needed to be able to find that out for myself. **I had to be able to be far enough away from them that I wasn't constantly worried about what they were thinking or what they were going to say or how they were going to act. Because when they were around, that was the primary thing on my mind. And as long as I was worried about that, i couldn't figure out what I myself thought and felt about things. **
Now here's the good news: my therapist has told me, and I'm finding it to be true, that once that identity is secure, THEN it's often possible for the adult child to form a closer relationship with the parents. Because once they're secure in themselves, they're less afraid of what their parents might think, they're less concerned about "fitting in" in public, and differences of opinion with parents are less devastating. Because I can tell you, if you're just trying to figure out who you are, and you are a sensitive person, the slightest hint of disapproval from someone you look up to or who is important in your life is devastating. It shakes your entire world, for days. I would often self harm when I thought over those moments, because I felt so absolutely horrible about myself after hearing what that person has to say about it. This was true even if the person didn't know I liked the thing they were talking negatively about! So, being around my parents knowing they didn't like or didn't agree with a large aspect of my identity-of-the-moment was a very destabilizing experience. And the problem is, it didn't help me actually understand their views or agree with them. It just made me more and more confused. Not only was my Identity development brought to a screeching halt, but the parts that had been starting to develop often were crushed in the chaos. So all that is to say, significant separation was 100% necessary for me to become a full adult human. And the more complete and secure I become as a person, the more comfortable I am expressing my opinions to my parents. The more comfortable I am simply going to lunch with them.
**Someone I respect very much has told me that in certain relationships it's necessary for both parties to kind of walk away from each other, grow as people, and then return on much more equal footing, as more securely developed adults.** I am finding that absolutely true. As long as my parents insisted on staying somewhat involved in my life, on their terms, I never was able to grow fully as myself. I was always sort of stuck trying to contend with these different traits that didn't really fit me but that my parents insisted on. I have really needed to have the space and freedom to figure this out for myself, because even the smallest nudges from them created massive earthquake in my psyche that destabilized everything.
While neither I nor my parents have done things perfectly, I actually think this situation wasn't necessarily anyone's fault. It certainly wasn't created intentionally on either side. It was, in my opinion, the result of a child-me-with a particular personality type being born to parents with very different personalities, different life experience, different views on many things. It was a rough situation for all of us. But my pushing them away felt to me to be the best of a few not great options. I certainly wasn't doing it to hurt them, I was doing it to try to protect myself. Not because they were trying to hurt me, but because they had a different perspective and didn't recognize how bad I really felt. They didn't experience adolescence the same way I had. They were doing their best with what they knew. So was I. This wasn't something one party did to the other, it was a situation that all of us had to try to navigate. It's been hard for everyone. There's been pain on all sides. I don't see it as anyone's fault or anyone's choice to hurt anyone else.
I'm not going to give you advice because our situations are different. But I hope I've given you some extra perspective that might help as you determine your next steps.
Personally if you're being uninvited to the tours but are expected to cart her around and pay for her to visit the schools I'd tell her to figure it out herself. I guess I'm a "millennial" with younger kids in my 30s and it kind of boggles my mind that the Gen Zers expect parents to float them all through adulthood while treating them badly and disowning them. If they want real independence let them have it or have fair boundaries to your financial support. You don't have to pay for college, housing (I'd always offer to let them stay home of course), road trips etc.
I can relate to the loneliness of being rejected by a daughter who believes she is male. Mine turned 18 seven years ago, rushed to start testosterone and change her name. Being on the autistic spectrum she seemed to believe the “male brain theory of autism” which was popular then. It has since been found to be just another theory without enough evidence to support it. Our children’s naivety leaves them defenceless to the attack of this evil transgender ideology.
This is our story. Aside from the age of onset of the cult-like behaviour (maybe the peak year was 2017 regardless of age for girls?) What happened next, you don't want to know. The alienation escalated, the T started (no one will deny it to her now), the secretiveness increased and the plans for surgery were put in place. By 19, she had the voice of her 16 yr old brother and her breasts were gone. Unless you take her to build a school in some rural South American country, chances are, she will not be back. It's too late for those of us whose girls were born between 1998 and 2008. For everyone else, cross your fingers and pray that the growing voices of parental protest are allowed to amplify. I'm so sorry this is happening to our children and our families. It's a sick world that does this to its own children.
Unfortunately we know there are glitter families and outsiders that will aid and abet your daughter's false identity. This puts you in a tough space but trust me, campuses will aid and abet that false identity too. In fact, if your daughter applied to college using the Common App she may already be pegged as trans. They started asking about gender on the College App in 2016 and yes, they collect the data. They will be happy to share their special resources on campus I am sure. see (https://margox.substack.com/p/focus-on-common-app)
Maybe some sort of agreement can be made about attending college. For instance, not living in the LGBT friendly dorm, agreeing to a campus visit by mom and dad each year of attendance, no medication for the years you contribute, etc. I would also do deep research into exactly what is going on an each campus before you agree on which one. If she attends a school will a medical curriculum, be extra vigilant or reconsider. Campuses are cesspools for this stuff. Many colleges permit deferred admissions for one year - might be a hard sell but worth it. Colleges care not one bit about mom and dad when it comes to their gender hogwash. I learned the hard and my daughter did not declare a crazy identity until college.
It took years and yes, harm, before she denounced it.
My ❤️ broke for you as I was reading your story. Everyone in your family must be hurting. I found my heart closing in relationship to your daughter. She sounds a little like a “gimme pig.” Give me everything I want, you pay for it and receive nothing in return other than the privilege of raising me. I really don’t know how much more I would invest in my daughter if her intentions were to write me off. That’s a hard one. Once a ❤️ closes, it’s usually over or the relationship is so harmed, it’s never the same. With this trans ideology takeover, I have to keep adjusting to a new reality that denies biology, harms children, is unfair to women, is anti gay and fills the pockets of the pharmaceutical industry. Trans ideology is causing great harm not only to individuals but families, communities and society. Plus, it’s a huge distraction to solving the very huge issues we face living on this planet.
I am really sorry to hear about this. How devastating. I also have a. 17year old and he will be a senior next year. To be honest, if I was banned from school activities and college tours, there is no way i would be paying for her college. I wouldn’t even be entertaining the thought. You want no relationship with me and don’t trust me? Well I’m under no obligation to fund your further education. You are an adult now. And also, I hope you are not paying for any medical treatments for her transition. Honestly it’s an impossibly hard position to be in, but for everyone’s sake do not take her on the college tours under these circumstances, and do not pay for college. She can find friends, get an apartment, get a job, and figure out how to pay for it herself.
I would yank her funding if you are paying for college. You saved money for a daughter, not some unknown son, and you're not going to play her game.
I agree that yanking the funding is warranted. When I expressed that thought to my husband, he expressed concern that we would doom her to a lifetime of menial jobs and the lack of education. The unintended consequences of each chess move are incredibly hard!
Devastating how she is treating you but I hope you continue to fund her. I agree with your husband.
My advice- to deal with a situation like this- (busyness and quiet time) have a mission or focus in your life and also have quiet time to receive strength and comfort.
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you, don't go back to sleep." Rumi
Answers will come on how to navigate this situation.
My heart really aches for you, but I do have some thoughts.
To me, the great urgency in this trans fad is to insure that people who do not really have gender dysphoria do not transition. Perhaps because I believe in reincarnation, I do believe that some people -- a very small group -- have such strong dysphoria that transitioning really does help them. (My belief is that some people choose the wrong sex before reincarnating, thus creating a lifelong problem for themselves.) You most likely don't believe in reincarnation, but my point remains: If your daughter felt like a boy from a very early age (which would be an indication of deep-seated dysphoria), perhaps you could support her a little more.
In saying that, however, I'm well aware that being trans is now a huge fad, especially among teenage girls who don't like the changes they see in puberty. The likelihood is that your daughter is part of the fad, which means she will likely become a detransitioner (after she gets tired of torturing her parents).
My guess is that your daughter isn't worried that you will "out" her as a girl to her friends. Rather, the likelihood is that your daughter doesn't want you socializing with her and her friends because she feels embarrassed to be putting on an act as a boy in front of you. Part of her knows that she is being a phony.
Being trans is 50% about acting. Every trans person becomes an actor playing a part. Some trans "men" act business-like and matter-of-fact because that is their idea of being masculine. Some of them act crude. Some of them act intellectual and analytical. Some of them become aggressive and take up boxing or other masculine pursuits. Being trans is mostly a show.
If your daughter is heterosexual and imagines that she will be a homosexual after she fully transitions, she will be sorely disappointed. No gay man will be interested in her fake genitals -- nor will she get any pleasure from them. Indeed, I imagine that the fake genitals they give trans "men" are probably numb -- i.e., have no sensation. Given what I know about human tissue, I can't imagine that an appendage made from fat from the thigh and skin from the forearm could be anything BUT numb.
It sounds like your daughter hasn't started to medicalize herself. I hope she comes to her senses before she does. However, if she started on this fantasy more than five years ago, that would seem to reduce the likelihood that she'll wise up before she does real damage to herself. By that I mean that she has been pursuing this for a very long time. Detransitioners usually come to their senses more quickly than that.
I have to share my bewilderment at the number of girls who are deciding that they are boys. Society accepts tom-boys and women with masculine traits, so you would think she could be the "boy" she wants to be without needing to pretend that she is an actual male.
So true, Perry. I do think she is embarrassed to "act like a boy" in front of us. She basically said as much, although she didn't realize what she was revealing when she said it.
She was not dysphoric until she discovered "ftm" on the internet at 12.5. She had no issues with being female or having a female body and was rather feminine as a child.
I am open to reincarnation, although I don't "believe in it" in that I don't think we know whether or not it happens - nor should we. However, I am skeptical that a choice to live in a certain body would lead to the need to alter that body during a lifetime, as I would think, if we have a choice in which body to inhabit, and which circumstances to encounter, we choose the challenges we need to undertake. In that case, even if the challenge becomes difficult, one should not run from it, but rather should embrace it and learn to accept what the particular body offers - but that's just my philosophic view of things. I can respect yours. Funny enough, I sometimes joke that I must have chosen to have the challenge of a trans-identified daughter, thinking it would be a piece of cake - but I didn't really know what I was getting into. Now I have quite the challenge on my hands.
I too always thought we were moving away from stereotypes, and toward acceptance of gender non-conformity, which would decrease the need for extreme medical interventions to allow someone to live as if they were the opposite sex, yet now we find ourselves with a huge increase in trans-identification. That's why I wrote "A Perfect Storm," to try to explain this bizarre trend.
My daughter took illegal testosterone gel for 98 days at age 16 (another story), until I discovered it. She has not yet otherwise medicalized, but indicates that she plans to as soon as she can - which is heart-breaking.
Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts.
Your "handle" is so familiar that I'm sure we've exchanged comments before, so I might be repeating myself. I'm not trying to convince you of the reincarnation concept, but just want to explain it a bit more to let you know where I am coming from.
The idea is that an individual can reincarnate too many times as one sex because the individual has fears of being the opposite sex. Usually the fear is of being a female (because of the pain of childbirth, the responsibility that women have to be the main child-rearers, and women's second-class status in every culture, which makes their lives less interesting). But the soul needs to experience both sexes for its spiritual growth. So the individual chooses to be a male one more time, but then, once born, longs to be a female because that is what it needs for its spiritual growth.
What's happening today among girls, however, is different. They are impatient to be adults. They want "agency". They resent their parents for whatever reason. They are envious of the greater freedom that boys seem to have. They have personal problems which they think will be wiped away if they wipe away their sex. In addition, society (and trans activists!) have given them the idea that it is their right as children to choose their gender. So they grab at the one right that their parents can't tell them they don't have, the one area where today's society will back them up.
But of course, you know all this already. I've been trying to figure out whether your daughter might have listened to you more if your reaction to her had been more sympathetic. In other words, if you had shown her that you understood what she was trying to do but wanted to help her to do it in the best way. But that would have been ingenuous because you DIDN'T understand (and neither would I in such a circumstance). Even if you had had a sympathetic reaction, it might not have worked if she was looking for a way to rebel. If you are conservative in most areas, then she would have been suspicious of a sympathetic reaction. If you did manage to convince her that you were sympathetic, she would have started to wonder at some point why you were blocking her desire to take testosterone.
Now she is a legal adult. Is it possible for you to loosen your grasp and let her make her mistakes? If reincarnation is a reality, then she'll eventually leave these mistakes behind her -- although I can see that that is cold comfort for you at this moment.
I haven't read A Perfect Storm Yet, sorry. I came across it not long ago and skimmed through it, but I was tired and didn't have the energy to read it. I remember thinking, however, "Hippiesq is sharp!" I'll read it soon. I'm working on my own article addressed to young people in which I try to convince them to slow down and think twice about what they are doing.
You reminded me we did interact (on-line) before and had a nice discussion about reincarnation, and about what it means to be gay. I hope I didn't sound dismissive about it. I just believe we can't know if there is or is not reincarnation, which is fine, because we have to live this life not knowing what else there might (or might not) be for us.
I do agree with what you said above, except for one thing. I was initially very sympathetic to my daughter's plight. When she first told me she thought she was "really a boy," I was extremely supportive and assured her that her feelings were fine, that I would help her and support her, and that it would all be fine. I went out and bought her the clothes she wanted and got her a haircut, and (stupidly) agreed to get her a binder (although I got a loose one for her tiny body). That was all she asked for at the time. We started to argue a few months later (she was still just 13) when she insisted on starting hormones and having a mastectomy in the near future (at 14). Once I said "Woe - slow down!!!" and started explaining that there are many reasons why someone might feel ill at ease in their body, she stopped caring what I thought and became convinced I was a transphobe and a bigot - even though nothing about me would ever indicate that I have hatred in my heart for transitioned individuals or prejudices of that kind. My two very closest friends are gay, and myself and my two children were the 3 witnesses to the wedding of one of those friends to his partner of many years at City Hall, soon after it became legal. She knows all this, but still insists I am evil - but not really because she asked me to come to read with her in her room, which is where the discussion about college tours took place. Why would you ask an evil person to come sit with you to read?
She must convince herself I am an evil transphobe for one reason and one reason only. She doesn't want her fantasy to fail. That's why she gets so very angry with me for simply disagreeing with her. And, by the way, I'm not stopping her from medicalizing. The reigns are pretty loose. I just will not aid and abet it in any way - because I could never live with myself if I did.
And yes, the idea that she will be fine in the next life is cold comfort in this one.
I look forward to your article (and no need to apologize for not reading my long-winded article!)
I remember having our earlier discussion now, though I don't remember much of what we said. I agree with you in all respects: As much as I believe in reincarnation, I don't pretend to be 100% certain of it, and the concept can be only cold comfort to a person in your situation.
Wow, your daughter is really, really headstrong. Yikes. I suspect the two of you are playing out some karmic issue, although again, that is my point of view and not yours. I wonder why your daughter is so taken by the trans fantasy. One thing is clear: She is a legal adult now, and she can do what she wants. If she has gone this far in forging her own path, it seems doubtful that she will turn back now. Defining herself in opposition to you is important to her, and it could take another decade for her to realize what she is doing.
But I do have one encouraging thing to say: It's possible that this path is the right thing for her. I have read about other young people who waited until 18 to start medicalizing, then did it, and never regretted it (not so far anyway). She may indeed find happiness as a fake man. For you, it all seems bizarre and wrong, which is to be expected. At a certain point, your daughter will figure out that whatever she is, she is not a man. If she really believes that medicine can transform her, she'll eventually be disabused of that idea. Perhaps she'll decide not to have bottom surgery so that she can have children (although the testosterone may make her sterile anyway).
I wish you good luck, and I'll read your other article soon. If I am a part-time anti-trans activist, it is because I am 73 with lots of health problems and I am always tired (non-stop atrial fibrillations have that effect).
If you ever want to talk to me directly, just drop me an email via Substack, which I believe is perryjames@substack.com. There is a LOT of evidence that we survive death, and I'd love to share that with you, as well as being a sounding board for your troubles (but only if you need a friend). I'll continue to read your site, and I'll try to get more articles onto my own site.
This makes me so upset. I know you want her to go to college, and it’s great that she got into all those schools — that’s something to be very proud of. But I just think it’s wrong for her to get away with taking so much, and inflicting such pain. In politics we sometimes have to negotiate with terrorists, but we don’t give away all our power: that’s why we negotiate. I don’t have a clear prescription to offer, just my support and sympathy. And while I’m at it, some absolute rage at the culture that has delivered this no-win clusterfuck to you and so many other parents. I’m halfway through Abigail Shrier’s “Bad Therapy,” which spells it all out with devastating accuracy, and I really want to hurt somebody right now!!
Thanks, Jenny. I have been thinking so much about what society is getting wrong lately, and I think it's totally appropriate to be really angry. I haven't read Shrier's book, but I have listened to her talking about it on YouTube, and I tend to agree with much of what she is saying about pathologizing normal, weakening young people's constitutions with the notion that they are not okay and need interventions, causing iatrogenic harm, etc. I think we have to keep speaking out if this is ever to stop.
As for negotiating with terrorists, yeah, it does feel like that. Our daughter's love and respect for us (at least outward demonstrations of such) is held hostage in exchange for the demands, which include accepting and affirming a delusion, and becoming complicit in chemically and surgically altering our daughter's healthy body. But there is a fatal flaw in the terrorists' demands. The demands will definitely harm our daughter's well-being, which is far more important to us than her superficial affection. Therefore, the terrorists have no power at all. So we don't get the affection, but we are otherwise at a standstill.
"... and I really want to hurt somebody right now!! ..."
🙂 I can more than sympathize. In that context I often think of Anthony and the assassination of Caesar. Cliffs Notes to the rescue:
CN: "When the conspirators have departed, Antony begs pardon of Caesar's dead body for his having been 'meek and gentle with these butchers.' He predicts that 'Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,' will bring civil war and chaos to all of Italy."
https://www.cliffsnotes.com/literature/j/julius-caesar/summary-and-analysis/act-iii-scene-1
"meek and gentle", "ranging for revenge", indeed.
Though, en passant, I'd come back here because I'd seen that PITT has recently republished this post of Hippiesq's though I think they need to provide an explicit indication that she's the author of it:
https://www.pittparents.com/p/banned-from-college-tours
My theory. She doesn’t want her parents around because on some level she knows you know she’s a female. A young woman. She’s playing a role and she knows it. I’m so sad for you and your husband.
Terribly sorry to hear of the grief you and your husband are having to deal with as a result of your daughter's gender "dysphoria". "How sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child" -- hopefully those thanks will come later once she has weathered that "perfect storm" you talked about earlier.
Ran across a post by Bernard Lane on his Gender Clinic News which quoted one "Riittakerttu Kaltiala, the Finnish psychiatrist and researcher who helped initiate Europe’s shift to caution on the treatment of gender-distressed minors": "In her acceptance speech, she highlighted the challenge for adolescents to develop a stable identity."
https://www.genderclinicnews.com/p/back-to-best
Puberty is not much of an easy go of it for anyone, but girls have more than a few extra burdens to deal with. Apropos of which, not sure if you follow "Eliza Mondegreen" or not but this post may be of some relevance or interest:
"Some girls really, really want out
On my pet subject: the intricate, obvious relationship between anorexia and gender dysphoria"
https://elizamondegreen.substack.com/p/some-girls-really-really-want-out
Apparently Eliza had to deal with anorexia herself as an adolescent; she links to a London Review of Books essay that elaborates on some of the parallels:
LRB: "Why would women feel so hounded, when feminism is a done deal? Think about it. What are the choices on offer? First, the promise of equality was extended to educated professional women. .... Not every young woman wants to take the world up on this offer. It is possible that there is a certain personality structure which has always been problematical for women, and which is as difficult to live with today as it ever was – a type which is withdrawn, thoughtful, reserved, self-contained and judgmental, naturally more cerebral than emotional. Adolescence is difficult for such people; peer-pressure and hormonal disruption whips them into forced emotion, sends them spinning like that Victorian toy called a whipping-top. Suddenly self-containment becomes difficult. Emotions become labile. ...."
https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v26/n05/hilary-mantel/some-girls-want-out
I'd kind of been thinking about that relative to your Perfect Storm post. No doubt you've hit a bunch of the high points, and maybe you've included this one. But I was thinking that society's sexualization of children, young girls in particular, is another one. Have periodically thought that child beauty-queen contests and the murder of JonBenét Ramsey are part and parcel of that process for which society in general has to bear some responsibility.
But no doubt there are many other factors involved which are seriously impacting much of a whole generation. Certainly the case that many cultures over the millennia have sacrificed their children on the altars of one tribal deity or another. But when the upshot is the castration and sterilization of children then one might reasonably see gender ideology as something of a false god at best.
Good luck weathering that "storm" yourselves. Tough times don't last, tough people do. 🙂
Thanks Steersman, thoughtful comment, as always.
I am aware of Rittakerttu Kaltiala, and find her words quite intelligent and compelling. I don't regularly follow Bernard Lane, but have come across him as well. I also follow Eliza Mondegreen, and greatly respect her work. It's a small world of those of us who are questioning the narrative.
I have long believed that my daughter, and so many of these girls, are simply opting out of womanhood. Combine all the pressures and difficulties of becoming a woman in any era, with the sexualization in this era (something I did not touch upon in A Perfect Storm), and the messaging that "trans" is our savior (yes, a false god, and worse, a false religion that pretends not to be one), and here we have it. A whole generation in which every girl who might have taken drugs or become anorexic in a previous era (but at least society wouldn't be pushing it and parents would have a chance to intervene!) now accept the invitation to destroy, or at least hack away at, the aspects of their bodies that make them women.
Your words of encouragement and empathy are greatly appreciated. :)
It's just another "trans" game that they play. It can and will be used against you. It's a Catch 22....so you can't "win"! Her story will be that her parents don't care about her or that her parents won't accept her trans identity if you don't go on the visit with her or if you grant her wish of going off somewhere else. She will also use it to claim that you are controlling and trying to overpower her if you do go along on the parent visit. Either way, if you are paying for this, you have a right to inspect what you are about to "purchase".
I have spoken to mine (age 22) once in the past 2 yrs, only to be told what an awful/horrible parent that I was and that I only cared about her sibling (the Golden child). WOW!....and I was a stay at home mom and got her to all her expensive and time consuming activities.
I'm so sorry, Lisa. I'm sure you love both of your kids very much, and are just being accused of being a bad parent for one obvious reason - you didn't affirm! Everything else is concocted in retrospect.
You are right that they will use anything you do - or don't do - against you. And whether or not we take her on these tours, drop her off for the tours, or whatnot, it won't matter. (And yes, of course we too should see what we are paying for.) There should be a Miranda Rights reading when you become an ROGD parent:
"Anything you say or do can and will be held against you, but you have no right to an attorney, whether or not you can afford it, and you will be convicted of being a "transphobe" and an "awful/horrible parent" no matter what you do."
Funny enough, mine also says I always favored her Golden child brother - because I very rarely yelled at him. She is right that I rarely yelled at him - because he almost never did anything to warrant it!
ALL the stories and talking points being so similar just makes it that much easier to see that this madness is spread via the internet....and it spreads faster than head lice in a kindergarten class! I'm pretty much over it and I don't cry or dwell on it like I used to because life goes on. I have found a way to move forward but I will NEVER get over it. Maybe one day, when her bubble bursts, she will see the light and accept the truth?
We can only hope!!!!
Oh, and that "male brain" thing and the fetus being "washed" in testosterone in utero.....I've heard that before from my own AND from the writings of a teacher within our school system who medically transitioned MtF (AGP!). I can't believe that our wealthy school system that is so steeped in STEM, could allow this nonsense, mind-virus to spread through its schools? Just unbelievable!
I'm sure your daughter, like mine, would laugh at anyone claiming that the earth is flat, but yet, somehow they are taken in by this faux-scientific theory. And a teacher in your school system - amazing how otherwise smart people can live in such deep denial!
I don't know if this will help any, but I hope I might be able to shed some light on what your daughter might be thinking, or at least give you some food for thought. My situation is not the same as yours and hers. Period. I've never had any qualms with my gender. But I'm also too old for the social trend to have affected me. I did fall prey to other social contagions of my time, like eating disorders. So I think I may have some things in common with the kids, especially the girls, who fall into this trans thing in adolescence today. This is going to be long and I'm trying to condense a whole lot into as brief a post as possible, so I'm sorry if it doesn't flow perfectly. I hope though that it might be somewhat useful for you even though there are some obvious differences.
I was very much like your daughter in my relationship with my parents as you describe in your post. I was, and still am, deeply uncomfortable around them. Now, this is where our stories might diverge because my parents were unquestionably abusive. But please don't stop reading there, because even if that doesn't apply to you-and I'm not suggesting it does-i suspect the feelings behind this particular behavior might be very much the same. Essentially, I've struggled, and still struggle as an adult, with my Identity. I've never been comfortable socially being myself, always feeling I had to fit in. As a result I've been very very careful about how I presented myself since early adolescence. My parents and I are very different people-we all agree on that. And, frankly, I didn't know how they would act in front of others. They made clear that there were things that seemed vitally important to me at the time-silly social things from my adult perspective now-that they not only didn't care about, but that they weren't going to try to follow to make me more comfortable. I was and am a very sensitive person, and to me that didn't feel like they were refusing to follow immature adolescent social customs (which was probably the truth and was certainly their view). **To me at the time, it felt that they didn't care whether I was comfortable. **Being "cool" felt more important than breathing. I self harmed in secret when I felt embarrassed. I was frequently suicidal over it. (They didn't know this, and when I tried to tell them their initial reaction was anger and I backed off quickly). So, the result was that even though the issue was inconsequential to them, to me it felt that they not only didn't care how awful I felt but that they almost enjoyed making it worse. When they rolled their eyes when I would be near tears over something "uncool" they had done in public, I couldn't see it from their perspective-that I was getting all worked up over nothing. That's my perspective now, too. But I still remember vividly how it felt then: that this was my very life, my whole Identity on the line and they thought it was funny when it went disastrously in my view. **Thus, they couldn't be trusted to have what I felt were my best interests in mind. How could I trust them when what was so deeply important to me was so obviously trivial, even funny, to them?**
So, I did things very much like your daughter, though I wasn't as brave nor as open about it with them as she apparently is with you. Here's the thing that I hope might give you some hope: I think it actually was essential for me to have that room to be "myself" in all the different iterations that took. The bottom line was that I simply was not comfortable acting as I wanted in front of them. And I'm not talking about doing criminal things, or cruel things-things I should have been ashamed to be doing in front of anyone. I'm just talking about trying on different personas and really acting them out.
The problem was, they are controlling people, and on top of that they (understandable to me now) felt quite rejected by my, well, rejection of them. So they insisted on being present for important events. They insisted we maintain some sort of relationship. They wanted to be involved in my life. And here's where it gets kind of messy, because on one hand I think that's important, but on the other hand, perhaps because it always felt forced on me, I do think it slowed down my Identity development even more than it was already slowed. It's why I'm in my 40s and still have no idea who I really am, what I enjoy, and so on. I'm slowly making progress in that area. But that's been possible largely because I've lived hundreds of miles from them for several years now. For me, perhaps because I'm so sensitive to any criticism, or perhaps because I'm so impressionable, or because they really are critical and controlling...I don't know why, but it's been absolutely necessary for me to have a lot of space to develop my Identity.
Here's the other thing: I'm realizing more and more that I will NEVER be comfortable around them and NEVER able to have an adult to adult relationship with them, until I'm reasonably secure in who I am as an adult. For various reasons, it has just not worked for me to be able to become that with them involved; I simply have been far too secretly hurt by their opinions and far too influenced by their input. I simply could not go against them, even when it felt incredibly unnatural and wrong to go with them. So, I have spent most of my life feeling unnatural and wrong. And I have found that the times I've been able to feel most secure have been the times when I've been able to feel like I'm acting naturally.
Now, that's not to say that I was always right about what really was "right" or natural for me. But I needed to be able to find that out for myself. **I had to be able to be far enough away from them that I wasn't constantly worried about what they were thinking or what they were going to say or how they were going to act. Because when they were around, that was the primary thing on my mind. And as long as I was worried about that, i couldn't figure out what I myself thought and felt about things. **
Now here's the good news: my therapist has told me, and I'm finding it to be true, that once that identity is secure, THEN it's often possible for the adult child to form a closer relationship with the parents. Because once they're secure in themselves, they're less afraid of what their parents might think, they're less concerned about "fitting in" in public, and differences of opinion with parents are less devastating. Because I can tell you, if you're just trying to figure out who you are, and you are a sensitive person, the slightest hint of disapproval from someone you look up to or who is important in your life is devastating. It shakes your entire world, for days. I would often self harm when I thought over those moments, because I felt so absolutely horrible about myself after hearing what that person has to say about it. This was true even if the person didn't know I liked the thing they were talking negatively about! So, being around my parents knowing they didn't like or didn't agree with a large aspect of my identity-of-the-moment was a very destabilizing experience. And the problem is, it didn't help me actually understand their views or agree with them. It just made me more and more confused. Not only was my Identity development brought to a screeching halt, but the parts that had been starting to develop often were crushed in the chaos. So all that is to say, significant separation was 100% necessary for me to become a full adult human. And the more complete and secure I become as a person, the more comfortable I am expressing my opinions to my parents. The more comfortable I am simply going to lunch with them.
**Someone I respect very much has told me that in certain relationships it's necessary for both parties to kind of walk away from each other, grow as people, and then return on much more equal footing, as more securely developed adults.** I am finding that absolutely true. As long as my parents insisted on staying somewhat involved in my life, on their terms, I never was able to grow fully as myself. I was always sort of stuck trying to contend with these different traits that didn't really fit me but that my parents insisted on. I have really needed to have the space and freedom to figure this out for myself, because even the smallest nudges from them created massive earthquake in my psyche that destabilized everything.
While neither I nor my parents have done things perfectly, I actually think this situation wasn't necessarily anyone's fault. It certainly wasn't created intentionally on either side. It was, in my opinion, the result of a child-me-with a particular personality type being born to parents with very different personalities, different life experience, different views on many things. It was a rough situation for all of us. But my pushing them away felt to me to be the best of a few not great options. I certainly wasn't doing it to hurt them, I was doing it to try to protect myself. Not because they were trying to hurt me, but because they had a different perspective and didn't recognize how bad I really felt. They didn't experience adolescence the same way I had. They were doing their best with what they knew. So was I. This wasn't something one party did to the other, it was a situation that all of us had to try to navigate. It's been hard for everyone. There's been pain on all sides. I don't see it as anyone's fault or anyone's choice to hurt anyone else.
I'm not going to give you advice because our situations are different. But I hope I've given you some extra perspective that might help as you determine your next steps.
Thanks for your perspective.
Personally if you're being uninvited to the tours but are expected to cart her around and pay for her to visit the schools I'd tell her to figure it out herself. I guess I'm a "millennial" with younger kids in my 30s and it kind of boggles my mind that the Gen Zers expect parents to float them all through adulthood while treating them badly and disowning them. If they want real independence let them have it or have fair boundaries to your financial support. You don't have to pay for college, housing (I'd always offer to let them stay home of course), road trips etc.
I agree. If you don’t need us, then you don’t need us. It hurts but, good luck out there.
I can relate to the loneliness of being rejected by a daughter who believes she is male. Mine turned 18 seven years ago, rushed to start testosterone and change her name. Being on the autistic spectrum she seemed to believe the “male brain theory of autism” which was popular then. It has since been found to be just another theory without enough evidence to support it. Our children’s naivety leaves them defenceless to the attack of this evil transgender ideology.
I feel you. Know you’re not alone in these lonely feelings. Me too.
This is our story. Aside from the age of onset of the cult-like behaviour (maybe the peak year was 2017 regardless of age for girls?) What happened next, you don't want to know. The alienation escalated, the T started (no one will deny it to her now), the secretiveness increased and the plans for surgery were put in place. By 19, she had the voice of her 16 yr old brother and her breasts were gone. Unless you take her to build a school in some rural South American country, chances are, she will not be back. It's too late for those of us whose girls were born between 1998 and 2008. For everyone else, cross your fingers and pray that the growing voices of parental protest are allowed to amplify. I'm so sorry this is happening to our children and our families. It's a sick world that does this to its own children.
Unfortunately we know there are glitter families and outsiders that will aid and abet your daughter's false identity. This puts you in a tough space but trust me, campuses will aid and abet that false identity too. In fact, if your daughter applied to college using the Common App she may already be pegged as trans. They started asking about gender on the College App in 2016 and yes, they collect the data. They will be happy to share their special resources on campus I am sure. see (https://margox.substack.com/p/focus-on-common-app)
Maybe some sort of agreement can be made about attending college. For instance, not living in the LGBT friendly dorm, agreeing to a campus visit by mom and dad each year of attendance, no medication for the years you contribute, etc. I would also do deep research into exactly what is going on an each campus before you agree on which one. If she attends a school will a medical curriculum, be extra vigilant or reconsider. Campuses are cesspools for this stuff. Many colleges permit deferred admissions for one year - might be a hard sell but worth it. Colleges care not one bit about mom and dad when it comes to their gender hogwash. I learned the hard and my daughter did not declare a crazy identity until college.
It took years and yes, harm, before she denounced it.
This falls under a larger problem...
https://newdiscourses.com/2023/07/an-open-letter-to-woke-youth/
God Bless.
My ❤️ broke for you as I was reading your story. Everyone in your family must be hurting. I found my heart closing in relationship to your daughter. She sounds a little like a “gimme pig.” Give me everything I want, you pay for it and receive nothing in return other than the privilege of raising me. I really don’t know how much more I would invest in my daughter if her intentions were to write me off. That’s a hard one. Once a ❤️ closes, it’s usually over or the relationship is so harmed, it’s never the same. With this trans ideology takeover, I have to keep adjusting to a new reality that denies biology, harms children, is unfair to women, is anti gay and fills the pockets of the pharmaceutical industry. Trans ideology is causing great harm not only to individuals but families, communities and society. Plus, it’s a huge distraction to solving the very huge issues we face living on this planet.
I am really sorry to hear about this. How devastating. I also have a. 17year old and he will be a senior next year. To be honest, if I was banned from school activities and college tours, there is no way i would be paying for her college. I wouldn’t even be entertaining the thought. You want no relationship with me and don’t trust me? Well I’m under no obligation to fund your further education. You are an adult now. And also, I hope you are not paying for any medical treatments for her transition. Honestly it’s an impossibly hard position to be in, but for everyone’s sake do not take her on the college tours under these circumstances, and do not pay for college. She can find friends, get an apartment, get a job, and figure out how to pay for it herself.